Once upon a time, I moved to Krakow. Some other people moved too and we would begin working at the same place at the same time. Before work began we hung out a lot. This is one of the funniest stories that happened during that time. Or, depending on your perspective it is also quite sad. I choose to think it is funny.
One of the girls who was starting with me had just turned thirty. Let’s just call her Kerry to keep her anonymous. As someone who has yet to turn thirty, I clearly do not understand the crisis she was going through. I’ll try to explain it the best I can here. Kerry turned thirty and she wasn’t married. She was dating a man who had children older than she was and he had no plans on marrying her and did not want more children in the future. So, she did the only logical thing and broke things off with him and moved to Poland in hopes of finding a husband.
Now, finding a husband in Poland isn’t the easiest of tasks from what I understand. When I met her she knew everything about everyone who worked with us. She knew who lived where and who taught what and she had found pictures of them without having met any of them. Truly insane. She knew more about me than I had ever told her. She used to send me very long and detailed emails asking things that she didn’t need to know and was quite annoyed if there was not an immediate response. She got into everyone’s business and then some but there was one guy who she couldn’t find a lot out about. He had a very common name (let’s call him John) and she couldn’t find his facebook or anything about him when she googled him. According to Kerry, they had flirted back and forth over email in the summer. According to John, she had asked several very intrusive questions that he had refused to answer but still tried to be kind because he knew it could be stressful moving abroad for the first time. She repeatedly asked him how old he was and wanted him to desperately send her a picture. He refused and she took this to mean he was playing hard to get. He wasn’t. Something I’ve learned from this tale is that some people are living in an altered version of reality and that when some women husband hunt they go insane.
Once I ended up at IKEA with both of them and it was a terrible experience. She took note of everything that he purchased and tried to talk to me about it later. Did you see he purchased some candles? Did you see that he bought a bookshelf? But the most awkward part of this story was when she tried to flirt with him by asking him to help her pick out bath towels… it was so painful I had to walk away. When she invited him over for lunch after the trip he said he has a friend who bakes bread and he was going to see her.
We had met up for drinks a few times throughout our first weeks and Kerry made it a big point that she doesn’t drink much. This might be a problem with certain people but we really didn’t care. After one of our first days of work, we went out to get Mexican food. We sat down and John ordered a round of Margaritas for all of us. She was fine with the margarita and we had a great time at dinner. Then we went to order shots of tequila but they were super expensive so we decided to stop by John’s apartment and do a shot of tequila there.
We walked a block to his apartment and were hanging around in his kitchen talking. He casually brought up a girl who he seemed to be in a relationship with as he was pouring shots of tequila. Kerry was not happy about taking the shot so we encouraged her not to. After the shots were poured he left the kitchen for a quick minute to grab something. She poured her shot into every else’s drink so she had significantly less while freaking out about doing a shot of tequila. Then we did shots. She made a really big deal about it.
Once we left Kerry immediately started yelling at my friend and me. WHY WOULD YOU LET ME TAKE A SHOT OF TEQUILA IF YOU KNEW HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND? For the record, neither of us knew that he had a girlfriend and didn’t know she was taking a shot of tequila to become his girlfriend. Then for the next week, we had to hear about this shot of tequila over and over and all about how she was taking the shot of tequila to impress him.
Here’s the thing, a shot of tequila is never going to land you a man. Especially if no one knows you are doing it to impress him. If you don’t do shots of tequila then just don’t do them. Stick to who you are. Changing yourself to impress others isn’t that impressive at all.
What’s your tequila story?